One year ago

*This was actually going to be my New Year's post, but I decided to go with something more lighthearted and save this for later.  'One year ago' refers to January 1st 2013. *

One year ago today my life changed forever.

One year ago today I got Nathan's proposal. Looking back on the past year is difficult but incredible.  I would never have chosen a lot of where I am today. Last year was hard.

Before I start: I say these things only because our marriage is wonderful. I say these things because no one else talked about their hard engagements. I say these things because God's work is so evident to me. I say these things for His glory.

The three months I prayed about Nathan's proposal were a struggle. I remember God's overwhelming peace through the whole process, but I feel sick just thinking back to where I was.  I would lock myself in the bathroom at night and cry for hours, so my roommates wouldn't see.  I knew what God wanted for me but I was far too afraid. I was terrified that if I took a leap of faith that I would jump off the wrong cliff.

Once we were engaged the relief carried me for a while. But, I began to doubt and I felt lost. I felt like I was wearing a mask. People kept telling me engagement was a wonderful time, asking if I was off of  'cloud nine' yet, and telling me how lucky we were. I would smile back, unwilling to reveal that it wasn't wonderful, that I never was on cloud-nine,  and I felt so incredibly stuck. One day my mom asked me if I could turn back time and redo the whole year, would I? For the first time since I was a young child I sobbed in my mom's arms. I wanted more than anything for everything to be a bad dream.

It was in those moments, crying out to God on my bedroom floor, that I felt God's presence the most I have ever felt.  I remember feeling His arms around me.

 And, God answered my prayers in very real ways. God spoke to me through sermons, through hymns, and through my own personal reading. One evening,we saw a rainbow in the sky, a promise from God, and we believed.  Finally, feelings began to grow and last, things fell into place and I could look forward to our marriage without fear.

While in the midst, I knew God was with me, I knew he would glorify Himself, I knew He would provide, but it didn't make it any less hard. While it was hard it was beautiful. 

Nathan and I both know there was a spiritual battle being fought over us, and I have learned that fear is a sin- a weapon used by the devil.

On Marriage:
I get asked quite often how marriage is going. Marriage is going great. :) It's fun. It feels normal. There weren't any hard adjustments. He's goofy. I'm goofy. It's great. :)
We also are asked a lot if reality has set in yet. I think we got a huge dose of reality while we were engaged. Our heads never were in that proverbial cloud.

Today, I would not turn back a thing. God has blessed me beyond measure with a wonderful, amazing husband and an awesome job. God knows what is best for his children. It may not be what we want but in the end it is far better than anything we could have chosen for ourselves. 

Last year I posted this:

"I don't know where God is going to take me next year. I plan on graduating in May and then I don't know what's next. But, I have learned that God will provide.  
So, the next year doesn't look scary at all. It looks so incredibly exciting.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. Jer. 29:11-13

Bring on 2013. Here goes stepping off into the unknown. :)"

I didn't know how prophetic my own words would be or how much I would lean on that verse. 

God is good. 

In Christ
~Michelle